Ghosts From Christmas Past
Life has a very strange way of crushing one at times. With love, blessed beginnings, nasty-sickness-that-just-won’t-go-away, deadlines, defeat, waves of overpowering depression, doubt, joy, never-ending-to-do-list, fear, mayhem. I’ve been indulging in escapism to ignore, y’know; the procrastinate to make it worse syndrome.
I’m told I’m too hard on myself, but – this. Is. JUST. HOW. I. FEEL. As you can tell I am pulling myself out of a wee bit of a dark hole as of late, despite the beauty (and madness) trailing out from the holidays and the bliss of my recent engagement and the most joyful news! It turns out that those doctors really were wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Baby no. 2 is on the way! I’d say that the birth of 1 and expected pregnancy of another is proof that I’m quite fertile, yes? That and the BSM has some stellar swimmers. Oh how I (partially) wish to be a woman who could write this gushing post about my shiny life. Another part of me embraces the bits of darkness.
The truth of it is, I’m a complicated lass with a ‘rocky’ past. One of many humans as such, sure. And with worse. But, this is just me and my life – so. With the birth of dreams coming true comes the fear that somehow, someway they will burst in the most heart-wrenching ways. For someone like me. In just the privacy of my brain and soul. At times. Other times I know it’s hogwash and that my future does not have to be a repeat of parts my childhood, teen and early adult-hood years. That I am the master of my own destiny. Muahahahaha. Yes, I know this. Sometimes. Other times the fear and doubt creeps in. No matter how amazing my man is. And he is. No matter how great my friends and family are or how blessed I know I am. History and past experiences have this lovely way of influencing one’s thoughts, feelings and future for the worst. At times it can be an uphill battle to defeat those demons.
I suppose I had gotten myself a bit worked up with being disgustingly sick with a treacherous sinus flu that just would not go away. On top of some kind of morning sickness; (really? Morning? why is it called morning when it happens ALL THE TIME?) that takes over my body to the point of me resembling not much more than a slovenly human lump on the couch. Ouch, right? That’s the guilt part at me not being able to play with my boy all the time, make delicious meals every night of the week, take care of house and home to the point of Martha Stewart-dom, meet my deadlines, be creative, feel strong, accomplished and in control. So I let some things go. I just could not make it all happen. Writing is cathartic; even if briefly so, because as I write this and read back a bit, I think – jeez woman! Snap out of it! Well, I am. I’m writing again; even if it’s an over-share. I swear I’m going to apply for at least 3 spring art shows today and update my Etsy shop. Uhm…the holidays are over and the ornament listings need to come down as well as the holiday banner. Really.
Later this week I’ll be back with an engagement recap and perhaps some Ecksmas memories/recipies. But, for now I need to get this stuff off of my chest, breathe steady and full on get back into the game. Koo Koo Ka Choo. Choo.